A Séance for Carolla

I had a running gag on my old blog that I stole from Adam Carolla’s radio show, called This Week in RAGE! Carolla would get on air, his radio lackeys would throw whatever topics they wanted at him, and Carolla, the rage-master that he is, would just rant and rave for the better part of an hour. It was hilarious, but more importantly, he was usually right. I’m not much of a rage-aholic, but today, today is a special exemption from that. So here it goes: This Week in RAGE!

As you can imagine, Portland is a pretty damned liberal place. Back home in Indiana, I thought myself to be rather left-leaning. When I moved to the west coast, I found out what real left-leaners look like. I might as well be Glenn Beck to a lot of these people out here—and at my most-right, I’m a centrist.

Now, as I’ve said before, far be it from me to criticize someone’s personal choices or beliefs. I really couldn’t give two shits less as long as you’re happy with yourself and stay out of my face, because goddamnit I’m going to believe what I want and am far too stubborn and opinionated to give two shits what a random stranger believes (This, for the record, is why I hate bumper-stickers. Really? I should stop eating animals, be either for or against abortion, and save the endangered Whatthefucks of Wherethefuck? Shit, thanks for educating me! I would have carried on in wallowing ignorance if it weren’t for your $3 pieces of tape on the back of your car that is now driving TOO GODDAMN SLOW IN THE FAST LANE!).

Anyway, I’ve been thinking some about these revolutionary ideas recently, mainly because I rediscovered my favorite album of my youth, Rage Against the Machine’s The Battle of Los Angeles. Now that I have some years on me, I can appreciate how bat-shit insane some of their lyrics were. I mean, it’s still awesome music, but dear lord kiddies, ix-nay on the evolution-ray, K? Well, while these thoughts of revolution and gunpowder, treason and plot danced around in my head yesterday as I drove home, I saw someone wearing a Che Guevara shirt. I almost vomited. You know why?

I wish I could have a conversation with the douche wearing that shirt.

Me: Hey, where’d you get that shirt?

Douche: Oh, at the store.

Me: How’d you get it?

Douche: I bought it.

Me: With what?

Douche: Uh…my prepaid Visa debit card that my parents give me?

Me: So, with money, then?

Douche: …yeah….?

Me: That’s called capitalism, you stupid fuck! You are wearing what’s quite possibly the most counter-intuitive, oxymoronic shirt in existence. You draw his silhouette on a $1 bargin-bin t-shirt from Goodwill, and then, then you can wear that fucking thing. But you don’t get to ideologically support a system of government and economy you believe in by financially supporting its opposition!

Anyway, after all this uncharacteristically-Jeff political fury I’ve had in the last day, I feel comfortable in saying that I’m going to pirate all of Rage’s shit just to say I did, and they’d better fuckin’ like it.

Okay, whew. Glad I got that off my chest. And with that mind-dump out of the way, I don’t really have much else to say. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to write entirely in Iambic Tetrameter. Check out the ‘stache and sweet neon-yellow hoodie.


5 Responses to A Séance for Carolla

  1. mom says:

    omg thats the best one yet!sarah palin is in noblestucky today, i wish you were home so you could go rage there

  2. mom says:

    btw the stache is looking better

  3. Isaac says:

    Your imaginary conversation is completely realistic, in my experience. Back in high school, when I knew what Che was all about but was ignorant of the sorts of things he had actually done, I bought a Che t-shirt for €5 during one summer in Europe.

    Later that summer, during German language camp, this Greek asshole who was in the habit of calling everybody “malakas” (look it up) offered me €10 for my t-shirt. I said I wouldn’t part with it for less than €20. He called me a fascist and gave me €20 and I gave him the shirt.

    I consider this incident one of the primary influences shaping my current unabashed capitalism and greed.

    True story.

  4. Mills says:

    Readership number + 1

  5. Nicole says:

    The only thing worse is all the “Anarchy” brand, yes it’s a brand now, that is being sold everywhere from Hot Topic to Macy’s.

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